Ohana Means Family

Growing up in Hawai’i as the eldest son of a family of five is the dream.

I get to live in freakin’ Hawai’i of all places! Happiest place on Earth. Plus I am the eldest—how cool is that?

This was my childhood, and I am very blessed that this is my life forward.

But this dream-like reality was also a nightmare.

• Prolonged silent treatments between family members

• Searing grudges against siblings

• Stupid things turned into loud arguments turned into emotional fights

…and more were all too common.

I always blamed my family for all the fights and drama. I rarely admitted fault even when it was needed.

It’s funny, really.

Looking back at my life, I now realize I was at fault for most of my family’s conflicts. I always exercised my “power” as the eldest son by mistreating my two younger siblings. I belittled them, coerced them, and even downright abused them—all for some feeling of importance.

I was wrong in how I treated my family—the words I said, the actions I committed, the harm I inflicted. I was so wrong.

And I’m going to make up for it.

I’m going to move forward with my days by continuously mending my family relationships. I know I can do it.

Because I now have a philosophy about family.

And I will share it with you today.

This is only my philosophy. You don’t have to agree with it. In fact, you should create your own.

But I invite you to read with an open mind.

What to do with toxic family members:

Note: None of my family members are “toxic.” I would think carefully before labeling a specific family member as “toxic.”

My philosophy with toxic family members is similar to my approach with negative friends.

While it’s unfortunate to have toxic family members, we must understand that even the most negative members are NOT enemies.

With enemies…

• You block enemies digitally.

• You remove enemies completely out of sight.

• You cut out enemies from your life.

But never family.

Families are literally connected through blood. In a way, you and your family are unified as one flesh—one entity—one family. Blood is thicker than water, and this is a significant truth.

In simpler words, family is worth exercising compassion and candor for.

For toxic family members:

1. Set healthy boundaries as you see fit

2. Confront them

3. Forgive them

If you have a toxic family member, don’t cut them out.

Instead, limit your interactions with them. Distance yourself physically, or restrict communication with them digitally. Exercise healthy boundaries as necessary.

But also confront them. Communicate openly.

Tell them how you really feel about them and do it sincerely. It’s okay to get emotional. Let it all out.

No matter their response, or what kind of family dynamic may transpire, know that you did the right thing. You gave them a chance with kindness and sincerity.

And always—forgive them. Read that again.

I cannot stress this enough.

Forgive them. It’s for you, not them.

Learn how to forgive here.

“No, f*ck these guys. My family is TOXIC.”

This was a thought I frequently had growing up—especially with my father and brother.

And you may share a similar thought.

That is okay. It happens. Tensions are bound to build up in any household.

Here is what I would tell my younger self:

• No matter how many fights occur, family is family.

• No matter how long the silent treatment lasts, family is family.

• No matter our personality differences, family is family.

• No matter our religious differences, family is family.

• No matter the flaws, each family member must care for one another–family is family.

The word family comes from the Latin word famulus—servants (of a household). We have a duty to SERVE one another.

It’s okay if they don’t understand or agree with everything about you.

It’s okay if they don’t like you (yes, really).

I do not care if my brother and sister do not like me. My duty as a family member, especially as the eldest brother, is to care for and love them.

You don’t have to like your family, either. And you certainly don’t have to agree with them.

But acknowledge each member’s good, bad, and ugly traits. Care for them.

Family members also have an obligation to forgive one another.

But screw “forgive and forget.”

We don’t just forget about family. We don’t just not give a sh*t about them. We don’t just not care about them.

For family, you forgive and remember.

Remember the lessons learned from each fight. Remember the mistakes and harm inflicted on each other. Remember your family, forever, moving forward with them.

No matter what.

Your takeaway message

There is no grand CTA. There is no step-by-step guide for you to take away.

Except for this one truth:

F. is for Family. And family is forever—forever forgiven and remembered.

Or listen to my man, Stich:

All your family members—including YOU—have flaws! Maybe you don’t have to accept or respect said flaws, but rather accept the fact that family members have flaws inevitably.

And love them anyway! Regardless of their flaws!

An older friend once told me, “As you get older, you will love your family more.”

I may not understand what he meant right now. But somehow, I know this will be true.

For you and your family, I wish you all the best.

Until then, have a blessed day!

—Chris Son