No One Likes Taking Orders

I failed my younger brother.

Instead of being the loving, gentle older brother he deserved, I was a hysterical, overbearing, and downright toxic “coach.” I always sought opportunities to criticize or belittle him. My eyes saw a brother; my mind, an incomplete project to fix.

“Do this. Do that. Stop, don’t do that.”

“Why aren’t you like me?”

“How come you are so__!?”

I never considered my brother’s point of view. I never cared for his own ideas, feelings, and aspirations. I thought I knew everything and that what I was forcing onto him was ultimately good for him.

But while my intentions may have been good, my methods were terribly flawed. I wish Miles Morales from the recent Spider-Verse movie went back in time to tell me, “You gotta let him spread his wings, man. Like this!”

I should’ve let my brother think for himself and do his own thing instead of forcing attitudes and tasks onto him.

Fortunately, I learned from my mistakes. Today, our relationship is mending tighter than ever before. I’m actively reminding myself to let my brother figure things out on his own while being there for him when he needs me.

And I’m reminding myself that no one likes taking orders.

Read that again.

No one.

Not myself. Not my former college roommate. And definitely not my brother.

No one likes feeling told what to do or what to think. We place more value on ideas that we find out for ourselves rather than those frustrating ideas forced down our throats by others.

Even ideas that are served to us on some silver plate—no matter how much of a gem the ideas are—are not as attractive as ideas we think for ourselves. Our agendas align more with our desires, not the agendas of other people.

We are self-interested creatures, after all.

(Strangely, however, if we seek out others’ advice from books, videos, and other sources on our own, we don’t have any opposition to them)

How to promote change

You can’t force people to change.

We often change our minds so easily on our own. But if others try to change our minds about something, all of a sudden we tend to harbor aroused tensions and feelings of opposition. Almost like a mental defense mechanism.

All the logic in the world won’t change other people, especially if you deliver your ideas in a frustrating way. People, including you and me, develop through our own personal interests. Our actions stem from what we fundamentally desire. As Galileo Galilei said,

“You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself.”

Ultimately, people are the ones to change themselves—to put their foot out the door. But you can open the door for them. You can gently encourage and bring out change in people.

If you want someone you care about to change their behavior or attitude on something, first realize you can only suggest change, not force it. It’s ineffective to force someone to change.

Also, understand that your delivery is everything. Yes, care for that person. But don’t get so worked up!

Begin in a friendly way. Tap into appreciation and kindliness. Subtlety and attitude are key here.

Gently hint at your point. Make suggestions for considering your ideas. Guide them to think for themselves.

And through this gentle way, you may promote a change within them. If they take pride in the idea you have planted in them, let them take the credit!

Be a gardener. Plant positive, good seeds (ideas for change) into their garden (the mind). But know that only they can nurture the seed.

In general, don’t force your own agenda on other people. Let them think for themselves. Give suggestions, not orders.

But if they don’t consider your suggestions at all, that’s on them. It’s not your job to change other people (even those who actually need to change). If they won’t accept your help, let them suffer.

That’s all for this week’s letter.

On a side note, I actually have a YouTube channel where I talk about these letters and more. Check it out sometime!

Until then, have a blessed day!

—Chris Son