How to Deal With Negative Friends

Let’s be real.

We all have that one friend who isn’t always the best to be around. Call them what you will—negative, toxic, problematic. You know who they are.

It can be confusing to know what exactly to do about these friends.

On the one hand, you know they are not that good for you. Cutting them off would save a ton of stress and mental worry.

But on the other hand, you probably still care about them. You wouldn’t just want to throw away the friendship.

So what do most people do?

Nothing.

Most people don’t know how to handle negative friends, so they simply don’t do anything about it. Literally nothing. Obviously, this is problematic.

By doing nothing, you essentially allow your negative friend to continue to act as they do. You continue to let them hurt you with little promise of change.

This is fighting fire with nothing. Not fighting at all.

The common advice from “relationship experts”

“Cut them out, bro.”

“Thank you, next.”

Ah yes, the conventional advice that I always believed was true. If they don’t vibe with you, just cut them out of your life. Plain and simple.

Whether you block them on social media or commit to never seeing them again, cutting negative friends out is basically sticking a giant middle finger at them. GTFO.

In my opinion, this is better than doing nothing about your negative friends.

But have you ever stopped to think about the efficacy of this advice? Does it actually make you feel any better for cutting friends out?

Sure, a little bit. Maybe a few days after.

But trust me. It only leaves you with a smoldering feeling of guilt and anxiety.

Cutting negative friends out is selfish. Read that again.

It’s a form of weakness because you cannot deal with forgiveness or direct confrontation. This is fighting fire with fire—hate with more hate. And it only creates more fire, more hate.

Yes, cutting negative friends out requires courage.

But I’m going to recommend a better alternative—one that requires true courage.

This new way of handling negative friends will finally heal your wounds and mend your friendship. Stick with me, as this edition of The Better People Letter is going DEEP.

Before you block them

I was a negative friend myself.

A good friend of mine blocked me on all of my socials and phone number.

Of course, I was upset about them leaving my life. I was at fault.

But the worst part was not even being told why I was blocked! How was I to know what I did wrong if they didn’t even tell me my mistakes?

Before you block someone, I invite you to place yourself in their shoes. How would they feel if you blocked them all of a sudden without giving any reasons?

Forget about the pain they have caused you for a moment. Ask yourself if you still care about them (you probably do).

Remember:

If you have decided to give your friend a chance and take an alternative to cutting them out, you have my word:

You are emotionally strong.

An alternative to “cutting them out”

I learned this from Gary Vaynerchuk:

Instead of completely blocking your negative friend digitally or physically removing yourself from them, limit your interactions with them.

Too many people do the former, but the latter allows you to create and exercise healthy boundaries. By limiting your interactions with the other person, you significantly decrease the chances of being hurt by them.

But don’t stop there. Give them a chance to learn from their mistakes.

Confront them.

No, not with rage or revenge.

But compassion and candor.

It’s going to be hard, of course, to be straight-up about your feelings. But know that this is for your healing, not theirs. Set some time to just be upfront with them and say—

“Hey. I love you. But f*ck. I can’t deal with you sometimes because…”

Let it all out.

Tell them what you gotta say.

They are your negative friend, and friends listen to each other, no?

And no matter how they react, allow yourself to “exit” the pain of the relationship by forgiving and forgetting.

The beauty of this sincere approach is that you can test the bonds of your friendship.

If they really are your friend, they will listen attentively to your feelings and apologize to you. Just as you are doing, they will make an effort to mend the friendship potentially closer than ever before.

You also give them a chance to learn from their mistakes. You allow them to grow as well. They may not even know they’ve been toxic.

How selfless is that?

Don’t underestimate your negative friend. Most likely, they care about you as well and will try to step up to your level of positivity.

But if they don’t step up, refuse to admit fault, or tell you to “f*ck off,” know that you are still winning. You will feel good when you are older because you have tried your best for that person. You gave them a chance.

And you will learn that they aren’t a real friend. Wish the best for them and let them go. That’s when you cut your “friend” out.

Your takeaway lesson

If you have a negative friend, don’t just cut them out.

Set restrictions. Limit your interactions with them.

But be upfront about it. Exercise compassion and candor. Fight fire with water.

After all,

You are emotionally strong enough.

I hope this letter helps you take action for improving your relationships and emotional health.

If you know someone who’d benefit from it, consider sending them this article.

Until then, have a blessed day!

—Chris Son